Jon Kabat-Zinn, one of the global leaders in mindfulness, wisely says, “It’s not what’s happening; it’s how we are with what’s happening that determines our experience.”
Mindfulness teaches us to notice our reactive thoughts and the emotions they stir in response to events. This awareness creates a small but powerful space that allows us to choose more thoughtful, skilful responses to what’s happening. Over time, this practice helps us form healthier habits that nurture our relationship with ourselves and the world around us.
But what exactly are the reactive thoughts that lead to unpleasant emotions and unhelpful behaviors? And how can we cultivate a more supportive, life-enhancing relationship with ourselves?
Below, I have outlined common reactive thoughts that impede being our own best friend and three powerful practices to incorporate into your daily life to enhance a healthier relationship with yourself, reduce stress, and increase your psychological wellbeing.
1. Choose Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism
The evidence supporting the practice of self-compassion and kindness to increase psychological well-being is compelling and increasing. Developing the habit of self-compassion enables us to cultivate a healthier relationship with ourselves.
Think about the last time you made a mistake—maybe you took a wrong turn while driving, forgot your phone, or walked into a room and completely blanked on why you were there. If you’re like most people, these small missteps happen daily. But it’s how you respond that really matters.
After you make a mistake, do you:
A) Call yourself “stupid,” wonder if you can do anything right, or ask, “What’s wrong with me?”
B) Acknowledge the mistake, amend the situation, and move on.
If you answered B, congratulations! Keep reading for more tips. If you answered A, read on.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of self-criticism, especially when you’re tired or stressed. But running yourself down after a mistake does nothing to help you grow—it only sabotages your confidence, peace of mind, and progress. This kind of self-talk is on autopilot, driven by a deeply ingrained habit. However, it’s also a habit you can change.
Start today by practising self-compassion. The next time you make a mistake, give yourself permission to be human. Acknowledge it, address the issue, and let it go. Begin with small mistakes, like forgetting your phone or not remembering why you walked into a room. Over time, this shift will help you handle challenges with more kindness and less stress, leading to greater inner peace and growth.
2. Shift from Limiting Beliefs to Empowering Choices
Another way we sabotage ourselves is by holding onto limiting beliefs—thoughts that say, “I can’t do this” or “I’m not good enough.”
Rather than focusing solely on changing beliefs (which can feel overwhelming), I’ve found that changing choices one step at a time is more effective.
One of my favourite mantras is: “This thought is real, but it’s not necessarily true.”
In 2017, I thought there was no way I could write and publish a book, ride a roller coaster, complete a master’s degree, or pass my driving test. By 2023, I had done all of these things.
But here’s the key: It wasn’t a belief change that made these accomplishments possible—it was the commitment to making small, conscious choices that gradually led me forward. Step by step, I replaced self-doubt with action, and over time, the self-limiting beliefs fell away. The mind will tell us all kinds of things, but those thoughts aren’t always the truth.
If you’re struggling with limiting beliefs, focus on the choices you can make today that align with the life you want. Beliefs may take time to shift, but your actions can lead the way.
3. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
We’ve all fallen into the trap of comparing ourselves to others—whether on Instagram, at the office, or at the school gate. But the truth is that comparison is often an illusion. What you see is rarely the full picture.
The digital world can be overwhelming, constantly telling us we should have more—more money, more time, more friends, more success. And don’t get me started on how easy it is to spiral into a comparison frenzy when we see someone’s Instagram life (seemingly) perfect and curated.
But here’s the truth: Those comparisons aren’t real, and the thoughts that fuel them often aren’t true. When you catch yourself comparing, take a moment to reconnect with what truly matters to you. Know your values, identify what you love, and savour the beauty of your own unique journey.
If you find yourself comparing yourself to someone on Instagram, ask yourself: “Would I like to have that experience?” If the answer is yes, take steps toward it. If the answer is no, simply let it go.
Gratitude is one of the best antidotes to comparison. Reflect on what’s going well in your life and express gratitude for it. Gratitude grounds you in the present moment and brings you back to what’s truly meaningful to you.
A Simple Practice to Support Your Journey:
The STOP Technique
To help you develop a more mindful approach and break free from reactive patterns, I recommend using the STOP technique:
- Stop what you’re doing.
- Take a step back and notice the thoughts and emotions present.
- Options: Consider your options—Is this the only way to respond, or is there a more self-nourishing way to be this situation?
- Proceed with the most supportive, self-nourishing course of action.
This simple practice will help you become more aware of your reactive patterns and choose healthier, life-enhancing responses. With consistent use, it can help you build a more compassionate and empowering relationship with yourself.
I hope these practices help you cultivate a more mindful, compassionate, and empowering relationship with yourself. I’d love to hear how these strategies work for you. Feel free to connect with me at info@mindconsultancy.ie with your story!
If you’d like more personalized support, why not consider signing up for a mindfulness-based coaching program? Together, we can explore skilful ways to respond to your reality and help you become your own best friend.
