It’s not what’s happening, it’s how you are with what’s happening that makes all the difference to your experience and what happens next.
I read these words by Jon Kabat-Zinn a few years ago and continue to share them with almost all of my clients and mindfulness students because of the powerful truth and potential for growth and healing they encompass. The reason is that when we practice the skills within Kabat Zinn’s words, they become the holding space and guiding path that release us from inevitable suffering.
In this post, I show you how to develop mindfulness skills to respond to your reality in ways that promote healthier relationships to what’s present and release yourself from reactivity mode. Especially when reactivity causes the mind to become stuck in catastrophizing thoughts, worry and rumination.
Let’s bring in some context.
Last week, my plans changed impromptu, causing a detour to my destination. This meant leaving the house ten minutes earlier.
All was going well until I was staring at the back of a large tractor, and the speedometer read 30 km per hour. Moments later, it reduced to 10 km per hour because another tractor chugged ahead. Each glance on the road ahead revealed another bend or convoy of oncoming vehicles. I rolled my eyes, threw in an involuntary tut, accompanied by an impatient sigh. The tension rose in my body, my heart rate increased, and I realised I was going to be late.
Sound familiar?
Our relationship to our experience makes all the difference to what we experience.
Mindfulness teaches us that our relationship to our experience is the difference that makes all the difference. Last week, I was driving behind two tractors dancing along the road. That was not the cause of my suffering. Rather, my reaction (or relationship) to the experience caused the rise of emotional dissatisfaction and worrying thoughts. No matter how much impatience, frustration, worry, blame, or fear of consequence rose within me, the fact remained – I was at the mercy of two farmers going about their day.
Changing to response mode:
Mindfulness helps us develop awareness of what is happening internally and externally. Present-moment awareness enables space for executive function to take the wheel—executive function is the ‘adult’ part of our brain. Its job is to evaluate, rationalise and identify the most skilful path forward.
Becoming present also allowed the space to notice my reaction to the situation: the stressful emotions, catastrophising thoughts, increased heart rate and the odd tut and sigh. Most importantly, becoming present also allowed the space to ask myself one powerful question:
How can I be with this differently?
And this question always opens the door to regaining control and changing the relationship.
Here’s the thing:
Our brains don’t know the difference between when we are actually in danger and when we are safe. Stressful thoughts will create reactions in the body that tell the brain we are in danger. Then the brain does its job and shoots out stress hormones: cortisol and adrenaline. This causes our heart rate to increase, blood rushes to our limbs, and our muscles tense, ready to act fast and run to safety. Now, that’s extremely helpful if we are crossing the road and notice a juggernaut approaching at speed. But, in this instance, I was sitting in my car driving down the road. I was perfectly safe. So, my thoughts were triggering worrying emotions and tension in my body. In other words, it’s not what was happening, but how I was in relation to what was happening that determined my experience.
Placing attention and choosing our response
The mind will go wherever it’s told to go – in mindfulness, we call it: Placing Attention.
As said, mindfulness helps us deepen our awareness of what’s happening internally and externally. When I noticed my impatience and frustration, I placed my attention on my breath. I rested my attention here for a few moments (one of the most powerful things we can do when stress is rising in the body). That tiny space was plenty to engage executive function and allow what’s here to be here. It also opened the space to rationalise – the world won’t end and I won’t die by arriving five minutes behind schedule – life happens, and here we are. In no time, my heart regulated, I loosened my grip on the steering wheel and enjoyed the drive.
So, placing my attention on my breath allowed me to let go of desired control, but the really beautiful thing here is that by doing so, I gained control of my experience.
This everyday example seeks to demonstrate that obstacles will come in our path, it’s inevitable. Most of the time, we are on autopilot and in reactive mode. Although autopilot is helpful in doing everyday tasks, such as driving our cars, operating our phones and tying our shoelaces, autopilot mode causes behaviours that create excess stress, which, overtime can harm our health and well being.
However, as human beings, we have a natural intelligence that can transform how we manage ourselves during difficult times. Mindfulness practice helps awaken that intelligence. Deepening our awareness of what’s happening moment by moment and tapping into our resources to change our relationship with what’s happening will enable a skilful response to any situation. This approach can increase our mood, quality of communication and energy levels in the short term. Over time, it potentially reduces disease, improves health, and increases longevity.
In summary, here is a recap:
A Mindful Approach to Stressful Moments: A Simple Guide
- Practice mindfulness meditation regularly to strengthen your present-moment awareness.
- Notice your stress response—the thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.
- Place attention on an anchor, such as your breath, your weight going down on your seat, or sounds around you.
- Rest attention on the anchor for a few moments to settle your nervous system.
- Respond rather than react, engaging the part of your brain designed for thoughtful decision-making.
It’s most helpful to hold the intention to be well throughout these steps. Adopting a mindful attitude, such as trust, patience, or nonjudgment, can transform emotions when we feel we are losing control.
Remember, you are not seeking to change what’s happening; instead, you are changing your relationship to what’s happening and resourcing yourself to manage stress skillfully.
So I’m curious: What situations do you feel this article can help you with?
Perhaps,
- Preparing for an interview or exam.
- Before a difficult conversation with a colleague, boss or family member.
- A parade of catastrophising or ruminating thoughts enters the mind when lying in bed.
- Sitting at your desk, trying to meet endless deadlines.
- Worrying thoughts about yourself and loved ones before or after a health diagnosis.
- When your desire to help your teen through anxiety is strong, but the loss of finding what will help is stronger.
- Watching or reading the daily news.
The list could go on; it’s the nature of life—the human experience involves suffering. But, as Buddha said, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” Being with difficulty mindfully supports us in changing our relationship to it, liberating ourselves, awakening the natural intelligence to be with difficulty in skilful ways, and setting ourselves free moment by moment, breath by breath.
