Beyond Striving: Creating Space for What Really Matters
Striving has become so deeply woven into our lives that we rarely question it. It is subconsciously accepted as the way to live – how we succeed, improve, and ultimately find happiness. Yet there is no inherent need for striving to the extent that most of us do.
The irony is striking – in our efforts to be better, do more, and achieve more, we often end up depleting the very things that matter most – our energy, our health, our relationships, and our enjoyment of life itself.
At the heart of the issue lies societal and cultural conditioning. We are taught, implicitly and explicitly, that striving is synonymous with success and happiness. That without constant effort, pressure, and self-improvement, we will somehow fall behind.
But there is another way. A much healthier, more sustainable way of achieving our goals, one that not only supports success but enhances joy, wellbeing, and the quality of our lived experience along the way. And surprisingly, it is very simple. It begins with a commitment to intentional living and the cultivation of habits that align with our deepest intentions.
“So how do I live intentionally, Hilary?”
By adopting a non-striving attitude toward your moments and gently orienting your attention to what is happening here and now.
To illustrate the difference between striving and non-striving, consider the following example.
Example One: The Daily Commute
Whether your daily commute is to work, college, or school, this experience is likely familiar.
The Striving Approach
Imagine yourself in heavy traffic. You glance at the time. The mind immediately launches into a story – I’m going to be late. Your jaw tightens, your breath shortens, and irritation rises as you fixate on the “dawdlers” ahead. Thoughts cascade about the consequences of arriving late, and your body braces against the situation. You are striving against reality.
The Non-Striving Approach
Now imagine the same traffic, but this time you gently place your attention on what is helpful right now – perhaps the sensation of the breath. You adopt a non-striving attitude for even five seconds.
Almost immediately, something shifts.
You recognise that the traffic, the passing of time, and the behaviour of others are beyond your control. Your shoulders soften. Your jaw loosens. Your breath begins to regulate. A sense of tolerance and even kindness toward those around you arises. Most importantly, your inner wisdom surfaces, quietly reminding you that your fears are exaggerated. The traffic is often this heavy. Catastrophising will not change the outcome – only how you experience it.
In this moment, you ground and centre yourself into a healthier way of being. You respond with patience, kindness, and clarity rather than resistance.
And here is the key point: either way, you arrive at work or school at the same time. The difference lies entirely in how you lived those moments.
New year, new me
At this time of year, many people engage in “new year, new me” goal-setting practices – most of which, research tells us, are forgotten by Blue Monday. But what if, instead of prioritising goals, we prioritised intentional living?
By doing so, we naturally develop healthier habits – habits that reduce stress, enhance wellbeing, strengthen relationships, and improve overall health. And as a welcome bonus, we also become more likely to achieve our goals.
This is not about dismissing goal-setting altogether. Goals are valuable. They clarify direction and help guide our choices in the present moment. However, when striving toward goals comes at the expense of our health, happiness, and wellbeing, it defeats the very purpose of setting them.
Rather than making goals the primary focus, consider this approach:
set the goals, gain clarity on direction, and then let them recede into the background.
A New Approach
Before setting a goal:
- Pause and ask yourself: How do I want to feel in two months’ time?
Answer this first—then set your goals. - Identify the habits that support that feeling.
A powerful question here is: What does the best version of me look like? What would she do?
Pause again and allow your inner wisdom to respond.
An Example
Let’s say you want to live healthier and feel more confident in your skin. The goal is to lose, say, twenty kilos within 8 weeks.
The striving path looks something like taking up running, walking, or joining an exercise club in January, and cutting out sugary and fatty foods. Counting calories, steps and portion sizes. Maybe you’ll have a bad day, perhaps you’ll become more tired, irritable and snappy. But the goal is to lose weight, so you strive toward it.
Now consider the non-striving, intention-led alternative,
How about you ask yourself, “How do I want to feel about my overall health and wellbeing in eight weeks?” If starting now, that’s the end of February.
Maybe the answer starts with wanting to feel lighter and your clothes to fit better. Perhaps you want to feel more confident in your skin and overall, happier with how you look and feel.
That’s your intention.
- Set your goal.
- Let your intention guide you day by day, choice by choice.
Perhaps that means pairing up with a friend and enjoying the most therapeutic conversations while walking the 5km three times a week, enjoying the fresh air ‘grand stretch in the evenings’ together. Maybe it’s investing in a healthy recipe book to explore and discover your newfound love of creating healthy meals. Perhaps it’s savouring the tastes and flavours of the nutritious, energy-enhancing, soul-nourishing meals you make. When you face a challenge or get triggered, you have the clarity to recognise that it’s just a bad moment, not a bad day. Your resilience rises, and your confidence grows, along with the awareness that there is an alternative way to achieve goals that does not drain the well-being bank; it enhances it.
What’s more, instead of counting calories and steps and portion sizes, you begin counting wins. And almost quietly, without force or depletion, the goal is met anyway.
So, as this new year begins, consider giving yourself the greatest gift: the intention to reduce the habit of striving. Imagine who the best version of you is, and start aligning with her.
This is not about avoiding growth or ambition. It is about enhancing the experience of living while you grow. It is about choosing how to be in each moment and responding with wisdom rather than resistance.
There is no need for striving to the extent that we do. Non-striving, guided by intention, creates the spaciousness to meet life as it is, while still moving gently, wisely, and sustainably toward what matters most.
If this resonates, you may be sensing the need for something different – not another goal, but space. Space to pause, to reflect, and to reconnect with what really matters beneath the busyness of everyday life.
In March, I’ll be facilitating The Reflective Soul Retreat – a gentle, restorative day explicitly designed for busy professionals who want to step out of striving and into a more intentional, sustainable way of living. It’s not about fixing or improving yourself, but about remembering what it feels like to simply BE.
If you’re curious, you can find more details here
Hilary Connor is an experienced mindfulness teacher and coach who creates calm, reflective spaces for busy professionals to pause, reset, and reconnect. With a strong foundation in academic research and evidence-based mindfulness practices, Hilary offers a gentle, non-striving approach that supports nervous system regulation, clarity, and well-being. Her retreats are thoughtfully designed to feel safe, spacious, and restorative, inviting participants to slow down, reflect, and remember what really matters. Hilary’s work integrates academic insight with lived experience, ensuring her teaching is both clinically informed and deeply humane.
